One of her misconceptions is that Southern boys an' girls don't know that sayin' "Yes, ma'am" or "Yes, Sir" are signs of respect, but just ways to, as she says, "incur favor". She claims 'cause they learn it by rote, from repeated instruction, they don't know what it means, 'specially early on. Well, now, for those of you who ain't from the South, let me tell you right now that Southern children, black and white, do know that these forms of address are meant to convey respect, 'cause they're taught so by their Mamas and Daddies. And they know it early on, 'cause it's drummed into their little heads from the get-go! Don't fool yourself, if a raised-right Southern child don't say "Ma'am" an' "Sir", it ain't 'cause they're ignorant on the subject, but 'cause they have chosen, for whatever reason or for no reason a'tall, to be disrespectful. I'll soon be "fifty-ten" years old, and all my life I've seen and heard black Mamas and white Mamas teach their young'uns to say "Yes, Ma'am" and "Yes, Sir", and from infancy they tell those children why, not just "because I say so", altho that is a good enough reason for anything all by itself down here. But if you're a Southern parent and your children don't know what it means, allow me to suggest you teach 'em, especially if they're gonna stay in the South, 'cause it'll stand 'em in good stead down here when they go to get a job or meet their best gal's parents an' such.   

Another thing she brought up is Southern girls (unlike Yankee gals) bein' brought up to flirt. Now I'll admit there may be a certain amount of learnin' involved in this, but trust me, Southern girls have flirtin' in their genetic make-up, sure as I'm writin' this to y'all. I've got a little granddaughter who just turned three, an' ain't nobody taught her to flirt, but she's a natural born expert at it already, with the coy smile, the sideways glance, the come-hither eyes, the slight downward tilt of the chin. I mean, she's got it down pat, folks! She's got flirtin' DNA, an' she comes by it honest, just like most true Southern girls. It's been passed down from generation to generation, and it don't have to be learned! If you go to a restaurant down here and your waitress don't flirt with you, at least a little bit, you might need to do a little checkin'. Might find out she's a transplanted Yankee, or havin' one Yankee parent mighta messed up her genetic code!

My Yankee friend also tells me some women prefer "Madam" to "Ma'am". I don't think that'd go good down here. Madam, except as a form of address in a business letter, conjures up the lady that ran the bordello down in Storyville or some such place. Don't think most Southern ladies want to be called "Madam" now, do you? An' then she referred me to this article in "Dear Abby" coupla years ago where this Yankee woman moved down here and was offended at bein' addressed as "Ma'am". Seems this knot-head thought that somehow "Ma'am" was derived from "Mammy". Don't worry tho, 'cause Abby straightened her out real quick an' told her to keep her mouth shut to keep from makin' a fool of herself! Just to make sure you understand, folks, there ain't no such connection. Never has been!  Ain't that an ignorant loo-loo for ya? "Mammy" an' "Ma'am"! Lord have mercy!

Now my Yankee friend thinks you shouldn't address a woman with a title of respect if she don't want you to, like sayin' "Ma'am" to her, but what I say is if them "damn Yankee" gals don't want to hear "Yes, Ma'am" they need to mosey on back up North where they can be treated jus' like all the other men up there. An' if they want to stay, then let 'em get used to it! Don't come down here an' tell us how to act in our own back yard for gosh sake! An' another thing: How come women got to be so offended at "Ma'am" when ain't many men gonna get bent over "Sir"? Don't make sense to me (course now, women makin' sense to men is a whole 'nother subject, an' one I'm gonna leave alone for right now - an' maybe from now on)!

And that brings up somethin' else, which is political correctness, which is a modern-day term meanin' (1)"ain't got a lick of common sense", or (2) "a total disregard for freedom of speech". Most Yankees would have us Southerners to understand that we're ignorant as all get out 'cause we don't talk like they do (thank God) and 'cause we tend to say what we think, and say it pretty plain, tho we're generally not rude about it like alot of them Yankees are. Now my philosophy on political correctness is that it ain't worth a bucket of spit, and its plum dangerous to boot. Hitler and Stalin insisted on political correctness an' if you didn't buy into their brand of it, they'd shoot you or hang you on a meat hook! We can get ourselves in the same mess, right here in the good ol' U.S. of A., just by tellin' the truth! Used to be, gettin' in that kind of trouble was reserved for those who told lies, but nowdays we've got that all turned 'round, so that lyin's OK, if not downright honorable, but tellin' the truth'll get ya in a world of hurt 'n trouble. You can just about get crucified for it! Who woulda ever thought?

What I think is all right thinkin' Americans oughta get some backbone an' say to hell with political correctness, 'fore it destroys the whole country. But me not bein' a national leader or nothin', and not runnin' for public office, I ain't got much pull to get that over, so let me just encourage my fella Southerners to get your rebel blood up an' tell those mongers of political correctness to stick it where the Sun don't shine, 'cause down here we still believe in the right to speak our mind, no matter how out of fashion that may be in this crazy world we're livin' in these days. You may'a heard of this philosophy. They used ta call it th' Bill of Rights to th' Constitution of th' United States of America. Ring a bell? How 'bout th' Liberty Bell? Yeah, I believe we Americans could politically "correct" ourselves right outa our freedoms if we ain't careful! Political correctness is just a pile of bull manure, so's best not to step in it.  

An' speakin' of freedom, my Southern friends, don't let them Yankees make you believe there's somethin' wrong with you 'cause you have a beautiful accent, or pride in your heritage, or an independent way of thinkin'. Be proud of where you come from and of your Southern roots, whether they be black roots, white roots, or red roots, or a tossed salad of all of 'em, an' don't try to "assimilate" into Yankee norms, 'cause, in my opinion, we're doin' just fine down here jus' the way we are. Be yourself, not somebody else, an' political correctness be damned. I'm like ol' Patrick Henry, "Give me liberty or give me death". And that means standin' up to be counted. An' standin' your ground.  

Now listen, don't get me wrong about Yankees. I got quite a few Yankee friends, most of 'em damn Yankees, of course, bein' that they all stayed, 'stead'a goin' home, includin' that Yankee gal that got me started on all this, who's 'bout as good a friend as a man could have! An' a bunch of them damn Yankees have turned into pretty good Southerners themselves - the ones who've "seen the light", anyway! Ha! Oh, and I do have one Yankee friend out in Idaho, an' looks like that's where she's gonna stay, bless 'er heart. Naw, we ain't got a corner on manners or hospitality or character down here in the South. No, sir! But we got a wonderful way of life and a heritage worth honorin' and preservin', an' that's a natural born fact!

God bless th' Sunny South! An' th' rest of this Country, too! An' just to show y'all what a great gal my Yankee friend is, she said to send y'all a "Sweet Home, Alabama" greetin' from her. Yeah, she lives in Alabama an' we gonna make a Southern gal outa her yet, Minnesota Norwegian accent an' all!

Copyright June 30th, 2008, by Tom Woodard

NOTE:   I must thank my good "Yankee" friend, Judy, whose e-mails inspired this story, and whose feedback on the several drafts of it made it all it could be in terms of the telling of it. In that sense, this was truly a collaborative effort. Funny thing, but whereas I mentioned her Minnesota Norwegian accent, she says her Northern relatives love to talk to her on the phone, just to hear her "Southern accent"! Everything is relative, I suppose. And speaking of political correctness, this Yankee girl will tell you exactly what she thinks, whether you want to hear it or not. Now that's what I like!

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